Desperately Seeking Househusband Page 6

  Rhett audibly gasped next to me.

  “I know, right? Sign me up!” Natalia raised her wine glass in Rhett’s direction, nearly sloshing red wine onto the pristine white tablecloth. Clearly she didn’t understand Rhett’s reason for gasping.

  “Oh, I don’t know, I think people just need more hugging, more touch. Sex is so much better when your skin is in a constant state of orgasm.” Lavender’s soft voice floated over the gathering.

  General confusion and feeling like a fish out of water kept me from participating in the conversation thus far. As Lavender smoothed her hand down her husband’s arm in a slow, sensual swipe, I remembered she claimed to be a professional hugger. Her comments made more sense now, even while I remained bewildered as to what planet these people were living on.

  Rhett and I had been hopeful when we showed up to this first official event hosted by Kitty and Jasper Throckmorton. Their house was gorgeous, set up in the hillside with a killer view of the city below. Kitty explained that she kept busy by being an event planner for bridal showers, which seemed so normal. Her husband, on the other hand, was anything but normal. He’d decided a full suit with cravat was the proper attire for our little dinner party and he’d introduced himself as “Lord” due to being a Baronet to some unheard of English title.

  We were the first couple to show, not realizing the others would be sticking to the fashionably late dogma that we didn’t follow in the real world. If you had a business meeting at eight, you showed up at a quarter to eight, not a even a minute after. I’d forgotten the social rules of the bored and wealthy.

  “I agree with you there, Lavender. Even my goats get some rubbing in before doing the deed. There’s something about contact in general that needs to happen first.” Frank Kapesh, husband to Natalia, the international model and lover of vag needles, finally engaged in the conversation. Maybe he needed a whole bottle of wine before the dormant conversation skills could perk up. He was a goat farmer, so I imagined he didn’t get a whole lot of socialization. “It’s all about the scent. How can you determine the compatibilities of your scents if you don’t do a little touching and smelling first?”

  Rhett coughed into his napkin beside me. If I wasn’t mistaken, it was more of a laugh than a cough, but then again, everyone else was too focused in on the juicy goat sex talk to notice. As for me, my skin was crawling.

  “Yes, Frank, you so get it! You and Natalia must have an incredible sex life.” Lavender looked ready to dump poor John and mate with Frank herself. It wasn’t John’s fault he’d made his fortune in ceiling fans instead of goats.

  “Oh, we do!” Natalia jumped out of her chair and climbed onto Frank’s lap, her skirt hiking up quite high on her perfect, cellulite-free model legs. If I wasn’t mistaken, she wasn’t wearing any underwear. “Frank is just so earthy, working with the land and his animals. He’s a dirty boy.” Their faces mashed together and I looked away, feeling like a sex tape was being made right in front of me, especially with the cameramen around the room capturing it all on film.

  Rhett leaned closer to whisper in my ear. “If they start bleating I’m out of here.”

  I guffawed, earning me a horrified look from Kitty. I pointed to my chest. “That was a laugh, not a burp.” Her look didn’t change.

  “I think that’s part of our problem, Lavender. You come home smelling like other people every day.” John looked a little pissed at his wife, who was avidly staring at Natalia and Frank making out. “Your scent is polluted.”

  Lavender jumped back. “Don’t make your erectile problems about my smell, John Herrington.”

  “Oh, shit. Nothing like telling the world your husband can’t get it up,” Rhett whispered into my ear again, like some commentator play-by-play. Somehow, we’d ended up nearly on top of each other as he’d scooted closer and closer throughout dinner. Almost like we needed to huddle together as a team to make it out of this playhouse of loonies alive.

  I ignored the shiver that ran up my back from the feel of Rhett’s lips on the shell of my ear. Praise all the farm animals, I hadn’t lost my libido from the incessant goat talk. John turned bright red, opening and closing his mouth like a fish.

  “Don’t be so glum, John. We all go through periods of stress due to our important business dealings.” Jasper stood up for John, nodding at him from down the table.

  Pretty sure Jasper didn’t own a business, so not sure what business dealings he was referring to. Either way, it seemed to mollify John. Though Lavender looked like she could use a hug.

  “Oh please, Jasper. He’s not stressed, he’s just out of touch with his physical self. He could use some more cuddling if only he’d let me.” Lavender may have been a soft and feely hug coach, but she could cut a man down to size.

  “It’s Lord.”

  The whole table grew silent. Even Natalia and Frank paused their copulating to glance down at Jasper at the head of the table. He straightened his spine and lifted his nose. “I’m a Baronet and therefore should be addressed as Lord. Please remember.”

  “Oh my Lord…” Rhett whispered loudly enough for everyone to hear.

  * * *

  “You should have been there. Actually, on second thought, I’m glad you weren’t. You would’ve been laughing so hard you would’ve gone into early labor.”

  Lily-Marie was on the other end of the line, giggling as I told her about our experience last night. The cameraman assigned to us was currently in the back yard getting some good shots of Rhett setting up his first board here at the house. He said he was going to make me a paddleboard so we could go out on the water together. Sadly, I was more apprehensive than excited as I was not known for my balance.

  “So did everyone start calling him Lord?” Lily-Marie finally calmed down enough to ask a question.

  “Yeah, they did! I kind of just didn’t call him anything because it was so weird. I might resort to just screaming ‘hey you’ if I need his attention.” I laid my head back on the couch cushion and shut my eyes. Between dealing with crazies last night and then another tense night of sleeping next to Rhett and trying not to touch him accidentally, I was exhausted.

  “Maybe I could ask my ob-gyn to do some micro needling while he’s down there sewing things up after delivery, huh?”

  I guffawed and Lily-Marie snorted, back for round two of laughter.

  “God,” I groaned. “It was so bad and I have to do this for another two and a half months!”

  “Well, this was your idea, you know. You could have said no.”

  My head snapped back up. “Yes, I’m well aware, thank you very much. I just didn’t expect this level of whack job in our fellow couples. Although we’re kind of whack jobs too considering we just met a few days ago and are pretending to be madly in love.”

  “Honestly, it seems to me that to make this believable, you really need to ramp up your acting. You have to be just as crazy as them.”

  Lily-Marie had a valid point. I didn’t want to stick out as the boring couple in comparison because then it would never be believable to Hewitt that I’d moved on. “Hmm…good point. I’ll have to free my inner wild woman and get these cameras to love me.”

  “There you go! When do you see the other couples again?”

  I rubbed that spot between my eyebrows. “This afternoon. The ladies put together a spa day for just us girls. And before you ask, I checked there weren’t any needles planned for my face or the lady bits.”

  Lily-Marie’s happy laugh made me miss her even more. If I was spending time with girlfriends, I wished it could have been her.

  “That’s good, babe. You got this.”

  * * *

  “So tell me, darling, how long have you and Rhett been together?” Natalia lifted a cucumber slice from her eye to see me in the chair next to her getting a pedicure. I declined the face mask she currently had drying on her face. I was all for natural products but didn’t feel right about having whale sperm spread across my skin, no matter how tight it could pull my fa
ce.

  “Only been six months, but when you know, you know, you know?” I softened my face into what I thought was a dreamy smile.

  She sat up straighter and let the other cucumber fall into her lap. “Oh, you’re still in the honeymoon phase! Sex must be insane, right?” Her eyes were ablaze, giddy on the idea of getting all the gory details.

  My face froze, wondering how I could be an award-winning actor enough for her to let it drop. “Oh, you know. It’s mind-blowing, really. To go from a relationship where everything was a habit, the same damn thing every time, to a lover who sees to your every need…well, it’s intense.” I fanned my face with my hand and closed my eyes, pretending to be reliving some wicked memory that had me tuning her out.

  What’s with that woman and sex? It was all she ever talked about.

  Natalia was gorgeous with her long golden brown hair and svelte body. Her skin looked as if she’d never had a zit, bug bite, or scar in her whole life. Almost like she was Photoshop’d in real time. She already confessed to barely eating and exercising for hours a day to stay in shape for her career, but if I did all that, sex would be the last thing on my mind.

  “Ladies, let’s move you into the massage room.” Our attendant stood in the middle of the room, summoning us from our various stations.

  I clambered out of the pedicure chair, careful to keep from ruining my nail polish by keeping my toes up in the air. I had to walk like a stiff-legged duck as we went down the narrow hallway, but I got the job done, despite a judgy look from Natalia.

  We can’t all walk like ballerinas, beyotch.

  I pulled up the rear, entering the massage room last. Lavender dropped her robe and sauntered over to one of the tables, climbing up like one of those goats Frank loved so much. It was a sight I didn’t need to see. The lighting was low, but even so, I didn’t relish the idea of being naked in front of virtual strangers, and especially not the camera crew of three men walking around the small room. What happened to individual massage rooms? You know, ones that had some goddamn privacy?

  From the side of my eye, I could see Natalia removing her robe like we were filming a striptease. While the cameramen were distracted by her, I ran to my padded massage table—which wasn’t easy while keeping your toes up in the air, mind you—and made a dive for it. My soft spa-issued robe nearly had me crashing to the floor on the other side of the slick table, but I gripped the sides with all my might and hung on like a city girl astride a mechanical bull. Crisis averted, I let go to wiggle my hands between my body and the table. Once my robe was untied, I allowed myself to relax my face into the donut-shaped face cushion.

  Relaxing spa music played in the background, helping me unwind despite the lack of privacy. Everyone must have gotten settled as I heard the door open and soon after I felt a presence by my side.

  “Welcome. Today we will work out all your sore muscles.”

  The voice was masculine, which had me tensing up. I specifically asked for a female, figuring that would be an easier person to relax in front of while I was half-naked.

  “Excuse me—”

  “Shh!” Kitty shushed me before I even got my question out. “No talking during the massage, dear.”

  Which was all fine and good because a second later, my robe was ripped from my body in one fell swoop. Words, if I’d had any to say, were lost and gone forever in a blanket of shock and shame, with a sidecar of shivers. I tensed, my face coming out of the donut pillow, which belatedly, I realized then exposed my breasts. What felt like a warm blanket covered my ass and I lay back down to reassess. Do I say something? Get up and leave? Suck it up and stay?

  Warm oil being drizzled down my back convinced me to stay and shut up. Then strong hands smoothed that oil, along with my muscles and I never wanted to leave. That is, until his thumbs began to dig into those tiny, perpetually tight muscles next to my shoulder blades. Pain streaked through my body.

  Again, I bowed my back and my face came out of the donut pillow, exposing my breasts. His elbow pushed down on the back of my head and down I went like a naughty child. The pain was bearable if I squeezed my eyes shut and counted to ten over and over again. Eventually, the thumbs retracted and I breathed a sigh of relief.

  And then the ass massage began.

  By the time the masseuses left the room, I was wound tighter than an asshole in a prison shower. I sat up to run for safety while covering my breasts, but my robe was nowhere to be found. I had a tough decision to make. With cameras catching the action, should I use the tiny towel the masseuse left on my body to cover my breasts or my nether regions while I ran out of the room?

  The south won the battle and after strategically placing the scrap of fabric, I hustled from the room, boobs a’ bouncin’.

  My locker was easy to find since I didn’t close it properly and half my bra was sticking out the bottom. I didn’t bother wiping off the oil or going to the steam room to try to unknot the muscles screaming in my neck and shoulders. In a crisis, you do what’s necessary for survival, and right now, that meant getting the hell out of there and going home.

  Once I was safely in the car, I texted Lily-Marie.

  I lived up to my vow to be crazy. I looked like a beached seal on that damn massage table, begging for a fish. I was begging for mercy. Tell me it’ll get better.

  She didn’t respond right away, so I put my phone away and drove home, rather excited to be spending the evening with Rhett and not those lunatics from the show. If I was lucky, there might even be another Big Willy sighting. A girl could dream…

  11

  Rhett

  Gabby snookered in deeper into my embrace while she slept, oblivious to all the boundaries being crossed. She was so careful when we went to bed to keep to her side. She looked stiff as a board over there, but who was I to remind her we’d get twisted up during the night anyway. I’d woken that morning to something clinging to me and in the early morning light, I’d been delighted to see it was Gabby. I didn’t want to wake her or risk her jumping away from me the second she gained consciousness, so I didn’t move a muscle. Instead, I gazed down at her sleeping, her face relaxed and carefree while she dreamed of who knows what.

  She’d had a rough day at the spa, which I thought was bizarre. Spa days were for relaxing, right? The only logic was simply I didn’t understand girl stuff. She told me about everything that had happened while I fed her the dinner I’d made. She almost seemed surprised I could cook. A man didn’t survive by takeout alone. Besides, her fancy cooktop nearly made the meal itself.

  I’d gotten a good laugh from her exaggerated tale of being beaten up by the masseuse, but I’d also gotten quite a visual. A naked, oiled-up Gabby running from the room was surely a sight to see. Maybe the camera guy could give me the unedited footage.

  “Mmm…” Gabby murmured in her sleep.

  I could smell her scent when we found ourselves entwined every morning. She didn’t wear heavy perfume like the other ladies on the show, so snuggling in the morning or in front of the camera was the only time I really got to smell her. Which sounded weird, but then again, Frank said even the goats liked to smell each other. Something primal about wanting to sniff your mate, and God, did Gabby smell good.

  “Rhett?” Gabby’s sleepy voice drifted up from where her head lay perched on my chest.

  “Yes, Snookums?” She secretly loved that name, I just knew it.

  “Why are you petting my hair?”

  I stilled, not even realizing I’d been running my fingers through the long strands. “I like your hair.” Simple as that.

  “Rhett?”

  “Yes, Snookums?”

  “I’m so glad I get to work today and you have to hang with the crazies.” She paused. “And I like you playing with my hair.”

  She could probably tell by my heartbeat increasing below her ear, but she made me feel like this whole farce had a bigger purpose. One I couldn’t bring up to Gabby yet, but one I couldn’t keep denying to myself. I liked Gabby. And if t
his was the way we had to meet to be brought together, I was glad for it.

  I really needed to ask her about Hewitt and what had happened there. I just couldn’t imagine the Gabby I knew being with that jackass. She was soft and sweet one minute, fierce and no nonsense the next. My half-brother wouldn’t know how to handle an enigmatic woman like that.

  “Gabby?”

  “Yes, Rhett?”

  “You really need to work on finding a nickname for me.”

  Surprisingly, she shifted, but didn’t leave my arms. “How about Red?”

  I rolled my eyes even though she couldn’t see me. “Predictable.”

  “Honey?”

  “Boring.”

  “Bae?”

  I snorted. “Too lame.”

  “Willy!” She threw her fist in the air.

  I jerked, surprised she remembered. “Not a chance in hell.”

  She snickered and poked me in the stomach. “I’ve got it! Tesoro!”

  I looked down at her upturned, excited face. “What’s tesoro?”

  “You have to say it with the accent. It’s Italian for treasure. My grandfather used to call my grandmother Tesoro.”

  That racing heart came back with a vengeance, this time accompanying a feeling of warmth that felt suspiciously like belonging. I grinned at her. “Damn, woman, I like it.”

  She grinned back and we had a moment. A moment of time where all was as it should be. No cameras. No pretending. No half-brother ex-boyfriend. Just two people enjoying each other’s company.

  The doorbell rang and we both froze.

  “Oh shit, that must be the camera crew already.” Gabby started flailing arms and legs everywhere, trying to get untangled from both me and the sheets. I blocked the goods and waited until she successfully climbed out of bed. She looked a rumpled mess, hair everywhere, left boob almost slipping out of her tank top, and little short shorts riding up that delicious ass of hers.